Stage Fright

When I first started this blog, I had no idea how many people would actually read it. In my mind, I am just putting my thoughts in writing to help release whatever I'm going through on that particular day. So when I was contacted by motivational speaker, Jai Cook, to speak at her event appropriately titled, "Time to Do You," I was pleasantly surprised. Jai reached out to me via Instagram (the power of social media) and asked if I would be interested in sharing my story. Without hesitation I agreed and later thought to myself, "what did I just agree to?." It's so much easier to share things on my blog or to post videos and pictures on Facebook or Instagram...but to tell my story in person, in front of a group of people is another story.

Meeting Jai helped to ease my mind and calm my nerves, as she has such a beautiful spirit.The first time I actually met her was at the event. Like most of us she comes from a difficult past, which you would never be able to tell from just looking at her. I thought to myself, "If Jai has come from such a troubled past and she did not allow herself to become a victim of her past...then I should be able to tell my story with no problem." I spent the afternoon listening to speeches from such inspiring women, while in the back of my mind praying that I wouldn't get on stage and freeze!

My moment finally came, "...introducing Crystal Bailey." I slowly walked up to the stage, trying not to trip and fall  in front of everyone in my 6 inch heels. I get to the podium, stand tall, and look out into the audience noting everyone's blank stares..."Good evening everyone..." Ok, that wasn't so bad. After a few shaky words and nerves came out, the words just began to flow out of my mouth like I had done this a million times before. Blank stares turned into attentive listening and I knew that I was reaching people.

After my speech, the event soon ended. People began coming to me, thanking me for sharing my story. Some offering prayers and giving me hugs, others shared personal stories of how cancer touched their lives.It was then I knew then that my nerves and reservations about public speaking were irrelevant. I was able to empower and educate others just by telling my story, which was truly a blessing to me. A young woman approached me and shared with me that she was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and would soon be undergoing a double mastectomy. All I could do was hug her. I saw myself in her and I immediately felt her pain. In some strange way I felt as if my hug would take away her pain. If only hugs were that powerful, I would speak in every city around the country until I was able to hug any and everyone going through life's challenges.

 Jai and I 

Visit Jai's website for upcoming events http://www.jaispeaks2u.com/

Hurt people, hurt people.

Hurt people, hurt people and I am no exception to this statement. Throughout my journey I have had the most amazing group of supporters. Family, friends, and people I've never even met. A lot of times, I find myself taking things out on the people closest to me. Having cancer and going through treatment for cancer can hurt your spirit. I personally go through periods where "I just don't feel right.," as if my spirit is not at peace. When you are going through a difficult time in your life, all you want is for someone to empathize with you. They may not completely understand but they are there to comfort you and encourage you. No matter what they say or how helpful they are, you only see the negative. For example, I remember expressing to someone that I woke up feeling very sad and emotional. Their response was, "I understand, but don't let it keep you down. It is so early in the day. You are still able to make the rest of the day a good day." My response was so dismissive ..."You don't understand. Just let me be sad. I don't want to think about the rest of the day. Right now I'm sad and that's just it." I then ended the conversation by abruptly getting off the phone.

Now I'm not one to use excuses but to my defense I have noted that chemotherapy causes one to have a lot of mood swings. One minute I'm happy with life and all is well. The next minute I'm sad and depressed and just want my life back. Of course, most people will never completely understand this, having never experienced it. That doesn't mean they can't still give you words of encouragement and try to cheer you up.

 I appreciate everything everyone has done for me. I do not take for granted anything or anyone God has placed in my life. What makes me most happy is those people who I know I have snapped at are still around and still putting up with me. So I can't be that bad of a person lol. I recognize that we are only human and those who truly love us unconditionally will always be there. So starting now (not waiting for the New Year) I am working on being a better me. I will not allow this stupid cancer to control my life or hurt my spirit. I am healed by His stripes and I know God has so much more in store for me. Stay tuned 2014 is going to be a GREAT year :-)

Graduation Day

Friday, December 6, 2013, my last day of chemotherapy!! I woke up feeling pretty terrible, as the week had taken it's toll on me. I received plenty of encouraging words and congratulations that morning. As much as I wanted to dance and rip out the PICC line from my arm...I had to still make it thru the day. I wanted more than anything for it to be over, so I did what ever I could to distract my self from the poison taking over my body.  I missed Scandal the night before so the first thing I did was catch up on the latest episode :-)
All you could hear was gasps and "OMGs" from my mother and I watching the episode...lol Scandal tends to have that effect. My entertain was short lived and I was quickly brought back to reality as the show ended...Damn that Shonda Rimes.

Still after the excitement of Scandal my mood was still pretty solemn. I was dehydrated and hadn't been able to eat much in the last 24 hours. My nurse was patient with me and gave me more IV fluids to help with the dehydration. My mom tried to encourage me to eat and drink something but I was too stubborn and tired to be obedient...sorry mom. Later that afternoon some of my friends and boyfriend came to celebrate with me. They came bearing gifts of talking stuffed animals and Panera bread which was equivalent to a steak dinner, considering how hungry I was. We reminisced , laughed and joked and before I knew it...I was done!! "Ok, all done.," my nurse rejoiced as she disconnected my IV. The most beautiful words she could have said. I could not believe I did it. I completed chemotherapy. I was happy for it to be over but so not looking forward to recovery.

Dreading the recovery process to come, I decided to celebrate the best I could, with what energy I had left. We took lots of pictures and went eat some of my favorite food...Mexican!! Overall, it was a great day. I DID IT!! Graduating from chemotherapy was probably 100 times better than my college graduation. It brought me one step closer to fighting for my life, which is priceless.

 A gift from my chemo nurses

Speaking Annoucement

I am pleased to announce I will be speaking at my first event, Sunday December 16, 2014, in Charlotte North Carolina. I would love to see you all. There will be plenty of vendors and other actives going on as well. Go to http://www.jaispeaks2u.com/ for more information and to purchase your tickets.

God's Hugs

Sunday night, as I was preparing to go to bed, I had a very uneasy saddening feeling. I knew what was to come Monday morning, my third cycle of chemo, and I did not want to go in any way, shape or form. I called my Mike to help ease my anxiety. He did his best to provide me with encouraging words, but sometimes when we get in a "mood" it can be hard to shake. Nonetheless, he was able to help ease my anxiety enough to fall asleep...that and I have drugs to help with just about anything (prescription of course  ;-)  So, I wake up Monday morning and just lie in bed as I listen to my alarm going off. The same feelings of sadness had returned, though I did not have much anxiety. By this time I already knew what to expect once I got to the hospital. I think it was just more the thought of what was to come following my chemotherapy. As far as symptoms and side effects go.

I had finally begun to feel like a normal person, besides the constant fatigue. So, the thought of having that sense of normalcy taken away from me was one of the worst feelings. Sleepless nights, losing weight from not being able to eat as much, the general feeling of being uncomfortable, I could go on and on as to why I did not want to go back to chemo...BUT I knew in the back of my mind it was for the best. That I have to complete my journey and I cannot allow this stupid cancer to get the best of me. Despite my sadness, I mustard up the strength and courage and made my way to the hospital.

My mom was with me, as she is most days. She asked, how I was feeling and I couldn't bring myself to be 100% honest. I wasn't trying to be a Debbie downer and I knew somehow I had to shake the feeling. So, I did what any normal girl would do in these situations. I went to the bathroom and called my boyfriend...again lol. Once again he helped calm me down and told me to "get out of the bathroom," aka MAN-UP. So I got myself together and went back into the lobby with my mother. By this time I had my labs drawn and met with my doctor. It was now time to go to the waiting area for chemo. I chose our seats next to these big windows. I was drawn to them because of I noticed the sun shinning through. I don't know what happened but as soon as I sat down my spirits instantly lifted.

Something about me and the sun is very comforting. I've always enjoyed outdoors and just nature in general. It's kind of like God's way of hugging me...at least that's how I like to think of it. My bear hug from God was all I needed to make it through the rest of the day. Throughout the day I also received so much encouragement from friends, family and my adopted social media family. Then there is my mom, God I don't know what I would do without that woman. She kept me laughing the whole day, just being silly. So, chemo cycle 3 day 1, I say was a success. Thank you to all who made my day turn out for the better! Love you guys XOXOXO

Fighting Through

This last  round of chemo was particularly rough. The actual week of chemo was so long I didn't think it would ever end. But of course I made it through and I was never so happy for a Friday to come. I know I've mentioned how draining chemotherapy is before but I don't think there are words to actually describe the intensity of it. I guess the only way I can think of is that it just physically drains the life out of you. If there was a way to record my moods or energy level each day, you would see it gradually trend down...until there is absolutely nothing left to give. Subsequently you're trying to regain strength and energy, which is draining within itself. I don't like to complain but chemotherapy really is the worst thing I have EVER experienced. 

I remember lying in bed Saturday morning listening to kids outside, laughing and playing. The sun was shinning, the leaves were glistening with the beautiful autumn hue of reds and oranges. All I could do was just lay there. I wanted so badly to go outside and just sit on the steps.... just to get some sunlight, and I could do nothing but lay there. I didn't even have the energy to cry. How depressing is that? I wanted so bad to feel sorry for myself and just lay in bed and cry...and I couldn't even do that. I spent the entire weekend lying around trying to will myself to feel better and there was nothing I could do. So, I just allowed my mind to go crazy and...think.

Your mindset has a lot to do with how you view things in life. I generally try to surround myself with positive people and things, to keep positive energy in my life. There are times, however, where I don't want to be positive. Where I just want to be a Debbie downer and complain and vent and whatever else. I believe those moments are just as important as being positive. I'm sorry but no one is ALWAYS happy go lucky. Character is built during times of adversity. I believe in those low moments when I'm feeling really down on myself, God is working on me. I don't know what His plan is but I will continue fighting through this battle until I come out Victorious on the other side!!

The Right Thing to Say

When people are going through some of what may seem to be the hardest trials in their life; i.e., death, sickness, money problems...you may try and find yourself struggling to find "the right thing to say." You could try and console your grief stricken best friend by saying, "Your father is now resting in a better place." Or comfort a friend in the hospital by telling them, "everything will be ok. You will be FINE." While these things are encouraging and can also be uplifting...sometimes it's just not the right thing to say. 

Well, what do you say to someone who is going through a major life situation that you may or may not be able to relate to? You say NOTHING, yes nothing. A lot of times we get caught up in "the right thing to say," that we don't actually take the time to listen to what ever that person is going through. I'm sure your grief stricken best friend knows her father is "resting in better place," but right then in that moment of consoling...your job is to only listen. Naturally your instinct is to take away that person's pain. I urge you to do the opposite. Allow her to cry and be angry and get mad at the world. Through her tears she will be renewed. I cannot tell you how many times I've wanted to just complain about how I hate chemo and how I'd rather pluck out every single strand of hair one by one than to have chemo take it from me. I obviously know chemo is beneficial for me and my health, and my hair WILL grow back, blah, blah, blah...I KNOW. Not to sound insensitive but sometimes I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT. Just let me mad or frustrated or whatever and when I'm done tell me good job, followed by a thumbs up. You never know what someone is actually going through unless you yourself are going through it. So, please before thinking of something clever to say, just listen... 

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Chemo Stole My hair

Here's the video of me finally shaving my hair!!

 My lovely mother did the honors

Everybody Hates Mondays

Everybody (in general) hates Mondays. They have never really bothered me personally, just another day to take over the world. Yesterday, proved to be a little more than I expected. As you know, it was the first day of my second cycle of chemo. I arrived at the hospital to have my PICC line* placed. My cousin and later my sister and mom were my support for the day. PICC line insertion was not too bad. The lady was working alone and she was older so it took a while to find a good vein. The PICC line nurse mentioned to me, "You have tiny veins, I'm guessing cause you are so tiny. You barely have any adipose tissue." Now I'm thinking to myself, "I'm actually at a healthy weight for my height and age and I thought having no adipose tissue was good?" Adipose tissue is just a fancy medical term for fat...in case you were wondering. Anyway, it didn't really bother me much. I'm quite comfortable with my petite size, petite girls have plenty of advantages ;-).
After my PICC was placed she wanted to be 100% sure it was in the right location...which means I was sent to have an xray for confirmation.

It was 11:30 once I was told that my PICC line placement was successfully and I was good to go for my chemo treatment. I was excited because my chemo appointment wasn't scheduled until 12:30. I naively assumed that this meant I start chemo sooner and get out much sooner than I originally expected, WRONG. I was not called back until around 2 -_-. As, I've mentioned before my treatments are generally 4-5 hours depending on the nurse. So, you already know I was slightly annoyed for having to wait so long. I didn't complain, I was just ready to get started. Approximately, 3 hours into my treatment...I began to have a reaction to Bleomycin (a chemotherapy agent). Now I've received this drug before but I only get it on the first day, Monday, of each cycle. I began to complain of feeling "winded," like I had just climbed a few flights of stairs. I also began getting hives in my lower back which itched like crazy. I told my nurse....well my mom told my nurse (she was a little more worried than me) and the nurse came with another nurse and the Physician's Assistant to assess me. They took my vitals, and gave me some Benadryl IV. Now I know I'm a nurse and I know the side effects of drugs but mind you I have never had to actually take some of these drugs before. Benadryl in pill form, yes, but Benadryl IV nope, never. When I tell you I thought I was drunk out my mind lol. I felt dizzy like the room and my body were swaying, I felt as if I were slurring my words and just rambling. I wish someone would have recorded it because I know I was hilarious. Once the initial impact wore off I was knocked out like a baby. I think I finally made it home around 8:30. It was a terribly long day but a good day to say the least. We shall see how the rest of this week goes. Prayers up ;-)

*a peripherally inserted central catheter (PICC). It is long, slender, small, flexible tube that is inserted into a peripheral vein, typically in the upper arm, and advanced until the catheter tip terminates in a large vein in the chest near the heart to obtain intravenous access. PICC lines are similar to a standard IV but are generally used for long term IV use, i.e. chemotherapy. -http://picclinenursing.com/picc_why.html

One More Week of Freedom

My chemo got pushed back another week, yay!! I was suppose to start Monday but my neutrophil count had only increased to 600 over the weekend : /  So, instead of starting my second cycle of chemotherapy, I was sent home to enjoy the rest of my week. I don't know if it's wrong to be excited, but I don't care at this moment. I get another week to relax and "be normal." So that's exactly what I did after I got my results. I spent the last week being as normal as I could be. I was able to start running again...and I ran every single day lol. This weekend was my college homecoming aka Greatest Homecoming on Earth (GHOE), which means a lot of my friends came into town. My line sister, Kristie, took me to get a mani/pedi (my guilty pleasure). My sister and my friend Audrey also stopped by to spend some time with me. Friday, I had to go back to the hospital to have my labs drawn again...just to be sure my neutrophil count was high enough to start chemo on Monday, November 4. Immediately after I left the hospital, I grabbed my things and made the drive to GHOE.

This was by far the best weekend I've had in a long time. I saw some of my friends and best of all some of my supporters. So many people who follow my story came up to me just to hug me and let me know they were praying for me. It's nice to know you have people in your corner. People I don't even know. It's truly a blessing, I can't even describe the feeling. I was so eager to indulge in the activities so I got dressed, put some lipstick on and made my way to a party or two :-) It was great to dance and have a couple drinks (literally a couple) and just forget about everything. For one weekend I forgot about cancer, chemo, doctor's appointments and anything negative in my life and it was AWESOME!! I wanted so badly to see all my friends and make every party, however my body wouldn't allow me. So, I quickly was reminded "listen to your body Crystal." and in the midst of all the partying, I took a nap whenever needed. Saturday night I even went to bed at 7 :-( I may not have been able to hang like I wanted but I'm more than happy I went. I want to thank everyone who encouraged me to have a great time. Going to GHOE was probably the best thing I did in a while.

What a Difference a Week Makes

This is from  the left and right sides of my hair. Just from my mom combing my hair to put in two braids.

This week has been interesting to say the least. As you can see my hair decided to come out this week. The top two pictures were just taken last week and the bottom two were taken yesterday. If you saw the video I posted previously, you'll see how I was affected when my hair first started to come out.  It has been a very emotional experience thus far but I'm managing pretty well. Thanks to all my supporters for your prayers and encouragement!!

When Life Hands you a Lemon...

Things in life never go as planned, which is why I try to be a free spirit. Wherever life takes me that day, that's where I'm going. I try not to argue with life...it's easier that way. When life hands me a lemon, I make lemonade (corny I know). But I think it helps to manage a lot of stressful situations....Get a flat tire on my way to work..."Welp, maybe there was a traffic accident I was meant to avoid." Try and find the positive in every situation, that's how I try and live life. Today, was no different. I went to the hospital to have labs drawn and later met with my oncologist. After, I catch her up on my life for the last two weeks, she proceeds to tell me the plan for next week. "Your neutrophil count is low (part of white blood cells). So, we may have to push your chemo back a week." I'm usually the one that asks a question I don't necessarily want the answer to but I need to know..."How low is low?" "Well, it came back at 500, and we like to see you at 1500, which is normal. We like for you to be 1500 before you start your next chemotherapy cycle." Now, some people may gripe and complain about chemo being delayed, some may be excited to get another week off. I was both happy and annoyed, go figure. Of course I want to continue with my treatments, the sooner I start, the sooner I can get them over with. On the other hand, my college homecoming is this week and I was already not excited about missing it...so missing chemo next week means I could possibly attend more festivities. Yay!! I get to see all of my friends, eat great food, and maybe even get to drink a glass of wine...or 2! See where my priorities are? Lol, no but on a serious note. Either way I'm OK. Monday morning, I will go have my labs drawn and depending on the results I may or may not have chemo. Situations like these you just have to accept either situation. Find the good in everything, that's my motto. Don't get me wrong I have my, "eff the world" moments, but I always come back to my optimism. It helps to keep me sane when the rest of the world wants to throws shade my way.

Hair Shedding Part2

I wanted to make a post in correlation with my hair shedding video. First, let me say that it was by no means easy for me to post that video. Yesterday, I washed my hair, which was about 2 weeks from when I first started chemo. I was expecting to have some shedding, because of what came out Saturday night. As, I was in the shower detangling my hair, literally clumps of hair came out with each comb through. It may not have been as bad if I combed my hair on a regular basis but I have curly hair so I comb it about 1-2 times a week. As, I'm in the shower setting clumps of hair on the side of the tub, I finally just stopped. My hair had thinned out so much I couldn't take it any more. I wanted to capture the moment, no matter how traumatized I was. So, I got out of the shower wrapped up in a towel, grabbed my phone and immediately started recording. What you guys saw was my immediate reaction to me not just losing my hair but to everything. So, many people have said, "it's just hair, it will grow back," or "you're beautiful with or without hair." I know everyone means well but that really has nothing to do with my tears. 

You see this past weekend was probably the best I've felt since I started chemo. My pooh took my out and we spent the day together just doing "normal stuff." My hair was big and curly, I felt great and I was able to get out of the house...doesn't get much better than that. We went to eat at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants and I ate and ate and ate. Next we went to Krispy Kreme and I ate some more. We walked the mall, and window shopped some. Then, went bowling where I beat him 4 times in a row (don't tell him I told you that though). It was just a great day, not because of our quality time but because it was the first time in weeks that I felt "normal." I didn't once feel like "the sick girl." My priceless moment was that I forgot I even had cancer. Washing my hair yesterday, quickly brought me back to reality. As, my hair was coming out, everything became so surreal. I remember thinking to myself, "WOW, you really have cancer." 

As I faced myself in the mirror, I was forced to look at myself...I mean really look at myself. I saw a young woman who has the ability to conquer anything. I saw love, strength and courage in my eyes. I wiped my tears, cleaned up my hair, and put a smile back on my face. I debated all day on whether or not to post the video. I struggled with the thought of allowing everyone to see me in such a vulnerable state. Not many people have seen me cry, I can probably count them on one hand. After, talking to my pooh, I decided to share. I hope I didn't depress anyone too bad with my tears but know that I am OK. I just wanted people to see that cancer is REAL. Cancer does not discriminate to age or race. I have cancer but cancer does not have me!! I am a survivor and I will overcome this obstacle. God bless everyone for being so supportive. Love you guys :-)

Hair Shedding

I apologize it's sideways but I can't figure out how to turn it. But you can still get the idea. Watch with caution...had a cry baby moment :*(

Natural Hair Love

I've been having a great hair week *does happy dance* For those who don't know I've been growing my naturally for about 5 years. It has been a lonnnng process but I have finally figured out a regimen that works for me. When I straightened my hair for chemo, I also got a much needed trim and baby when I tell you the trim gave my hair life!!! Lol, I was so excited to see how healthy my hair had become. I was also sad because I knew it was only temporary. Despite the inevitable I chose to enjoy my head full of healthy curls for the week. Fast forward to Saturday night and it was almost time to wash my hair. I decided to twist it instead and just wash it the following day. I've twisted my hair before, pretty simple process. Except, as I began separating and detangling my hair, I noticed some shedding...way more than usual. I started to freak. I'm not ready to lose my hair, not that I ever will be...but I 've come so far!! I continued to twist my hair very gently, tied it up and went to sleep. The next morning my twistout didn't look too nice, so I improvised. I played around with my hair until I figured out a style suitable enough for church....can't go to church looking crazy lol. Anyway, I was able to get my hair up into a bun. A BUN!! I was able to put MY hair into a BUN!! I think it's been years since I've been able to wear my own hair in a bun while it's in its natural state. *happy dance* This may seem trivial and underwhelming to some. But if you know me you know how I am about my hair. Which only means when it starts coming out like forreal forreal, I already know it's gonna be traumatizing. 

3rd Day wash n go

My bun ;-)

Shedding

Learning to Listen to My Body

This past week has been pretty rough for me. It was my first week of rest after chemo and my body was doing all kind of crazy things. Well maybe not "crazy" per-say but I definitely went through a lot of different changes. The weekend after I finished chemo I was sooooo exhausted. I tried to get as much rest as I could but it was so hard for me to get any sleep. I'm taking quite a few medications and one in particular is a steroid which is what contributes to my insomnia. When I tell you I have a few medications, what I really mean is, I have something for EVERYTHING!! I have two different medications for nausea which I take around the clock, and a steroid. But wait there's more...I started having the worst indigestion ever known to man  so I have some Zantac for that. I also bought some Tums for immediate relief (YES it's THAT serious) Then one of the meds started causing me to itch so I got some Benadryl, which I was also hoping it would help me get some sleep but that was a joke. By Tuesday, I requested a prescription for something to help me sleep so now I have something for that. I'm sure I left something out but you get the point. 

So, I haven't been able to sleep, I have indigestion, starting to get acne really bad (a side effect of one of the meds I'm sure), my torso and arms are sore, as if someone beat me up, my scalp is now sore, and my body is exhausted. Needless to say, I spent the first week adjusting to all the madness. I had to learn to listen to my body and try not to do too much at once. For example, the first day I had energy, I decided to go for a bike ride. I probably made it to the stop sign before I realized what a terrible idea that was. A mile into it, I was so tired and my heart was beating so fast I didn't think I was going to make it home. Yeah so I won't do that again smh. By, Friday I finally got a routine down to help conserve energy throughout an entire day. We'll see how my routine changes as I continue with my treatments. So, far I believe I'm managing pretty well. 

Excuse Me While I Rant

Finished my first week of Chemo!! When I say there was no way I could have been 100% prepared for this week...MAN! I wanted to document my journey this week daily, however, things don't always go as planned. The first day was by far the easiest but by Wednesday I was in a ball of tears. I remember waking up and just lying in bed, thinking to myself, "God please let today go by quickly." Everyday started off the same: check in at the hospital at 9am, get IV fluids, urinate 100ccs/hr, get nausea meds and steroids, get chemo drugs, and finished off with more IV fluids. The entire process takes about 4-5 hours. It sounds pretty straightforward but I promise it's anything but. Everyone wants me to focus on "getting my treatments," but life doesn't stop just because you're sick. Sooooo getting back to Wednesday's tears....I was so exhausted Wednesday morning. The steroids I get keep me up at night, I'm peeing every hour at night from all of the IV fluids and I literally feel as if the life is being drained out of me day in and day out.

 I start my treatment per usual Wednesday morning and begin my morning convo with my mom. We're interrupted by a series of social workers, phone calls, nurses, insurance ppl, etc, etc. I remember my mom on the phone talking with a lady about how to get medications and what not...meanwhile I'm on the phone with insurance people frustrated because it's been two weeks and my stuff has yet to go through to Cobra. I don't know what triggered the first tear I just remember feeling so overwhelmed. I felt like no one understood how hard it was just for me to sit for a treatment. Adding on all this business was so freaking aggravating. Everyday, I'm checking on this person, following up with the next, getting the run around from someone else...I just wanted to SCREAM!! I was so frustrated I snapped at my mom...which only made me feel even worse cause she was only trying to comfort me. She stepped out to get lunch and I'm pretty sure asked my nurse to come speak with me but she entered not too long after. Thank God for nurses. Never thought I'd be the patient crying to my nurse but things are different when the roles are reversed. I don't remember our conversation I just appreciated her allowing me to vent. I just needed a release and for someone to take a moment and listen to me.

I don't want to continue ranting and complaining...I guess I just wanted to share my frustrations. Everyday is not perfect...I am not always happy. I will cry. I will not feel like getting out of bed. I will have to allow people to help me. BUT I WILL GET THROUGH THIS!! Dear God, I have to get through this!

That Girl is POISOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON...

Yesterday was my very first day of chemotherapy. I was tossing and turning all night, just couldn't seem to get my mind to relax. I woke up super early and had to report to the hospital at 7am for labs...didn't have any time for breakfast before leaving home. So, I stopped by the vampires, allowed them to draw my blood and immediately went to the hospital cafeteria for breakfast at chick-fil-a :-) My next appointment, at 8am, was with a new oncologist which Dr. lee referred me too, since she was now working at the Duke Raleigh location. My new oncologist was very nice and made me feel completely comfortable in her care. I was provided with more teaching about the side effects of chemo and I was given a schedule for the next month. My last appointment and the most important one of the day was for my chemotherapy treatment.

I was as ready as I possibly could be, mentally and physically. I had my hair straightened this weekend, seeing as how it my be one of the last times I will get to enjoy it. I had eaten breakfast, prayed with my mother, and spoken to plenty of people who provided me with such encouraging words. My nurse was super sweet and just briefly went over what I was to expect for the day. I was to be there for the next 4-5 hours for treatment. This included the time for administering maintenance IV fluids, premeditation for nausea as well as my chemo drugs. The first couple hours I was just fine. Had a few visitors and my mom provided me with plenty of corny jokes. Then "IT WAS TIME!!" My nurse came to start my first chemo drug, Bleomycin. This one only took 10 min to be injected and honestly I didn't feel a thing. Etoposide was the next drug of choice, which ran over about an hour. After a while, to entertain myself I began to sing, Poison by Bell Biv Devoe. My mom asked, "girl what are you singing and dancing to?" I answered by singing louder of course, "That girl is POISOOOOOOOOOOON..." My mom began laughing, not at my singing of course, but she laughed and asked why I was singing that particular song. I explained to her that I felt as if these chemotherapy drugs are like a poison, "I got poison running through my veins to help kill this stupid cancer cells," I continued to explain.

As you can see I tried my best to make this experience as enjoyable as I could by singing and joking. My only complaint was that I was starving and sleepy by the end of the day. My first day was about 9 hours total, including my morning appointments. Afterwards, my mom and I grabbed some dinner and laughed some more.  I have to go for treatment everyday this week, so let's see how I'm feeling by the end of the week : /

Side note: In my next post I will try and go into detail about the type of chemo regimen I'm on. If you have any questions you would like for me to expound on please comment below or you can email me at crbfightscancer@gmail.com. If you would like to support by donating through my rally, please go to https://rally.org/crystalbailey.

 I have no idea what was so interesting 

 Laughing at my silly mother

 My beautiful mother and I 

 Starting my first dose of Chemo

I WILL WIN!!

I'm Ready

*Fast forward* So I've had surgery and now waiting to start chemotherapy. I'm about 90% recovered from surgery so Dr. Lee suggested  I try and continue to have a normal life and resume my usual activities. I planned to start a new work contract in Winston Salem so that I would not be too far from home. I called the nurse manager to inform her of everything that was going on with me. I wanted her to know that I would be starting chemotherapy soon and may need to go over a schedule with her. She was very concerned about me not being able to work because of chemo and asked if she could get back to me. I already knew what that meant. I couldn't blame her though...she didn't know me personally so her decision to cancel my contract only made sense. 

Having plenty of extra free time on my hands, I found myself alone with my thoughts quite frequently. Throughout the last couple of months I have gone through every single emotion possible. I can't remember exactly when it happened but I eventually made a decision to turn my situation into something positive. At the end of the day, being sad and depressed is not going to make the process any more enjoyable for anyone.Going public and sharing my story with complete strangers was probably the best decision I made. It has made me more open to talk about it and each time it gets easier. With everyone's support I feel I am as ready as anyone can be...ready to tackle the next step, CHEMO!

Worst Phone Call EVER!!!

I spent the following week trying to get back into a regular routine. It didn't help that I walked like an 80 year-old and could barely do the basics; i.e. take a shower...thank God for a loving mother. See, my surgery was suppose to be done laproscopically, which just means they make small abdominal incisions and remove the tumor by going in with tiny tools and a camera...pretty cool when all goes well. However, because my tumor was as big as a BASKETBALL, the tiny hole wasn't going to cut it. Along with the small incisions,  Dr. Lee ended up having to make a transverse incision in my lower abdomen, which is basically like getting a c-section. In other words, I gave birth to my alien baby via c-section lol. The recovery time can be anywhere from 4-8 weeks for an open abdominal surgery. Dr. Lee predicted my recovery time would be on the shorter end because I'm young and otherwise healthy. 

One week after surgery, I graduated from walking like an 80 year-old to maybe a 65 year-old. I still couldn't stand up straight and it still hurt like hell to laugh but I was starting to feel better. It was a Tuesday afternoon, my mom bought Chick-fil-A for lunch :-) so my inner fat kid was happy. We were just eating, talking and laughing, when I received a phone call. I knew from the caller ID that it was someone from my doctors office so I reluctantly picked up. "Hello?," I quietly answered. "Yes, Crystal this is Dr. Lee...," I knew from there it was not a good phone call. You see Doctors don't usually call patients unless there is something going on. "Are you busy? Is this a good time to talk? You're not driving are you?" she asked. "No, I'm just eating lunch with my mother.," and I placed the phone on speaker as I anticipated what was to come. What she told me was enough to take my appetite away. The final pathology report came in and the findings turned out to be that my tumor was malignant. I had an immature teratoma and Dr. Lee stated I would need to begin chemotherapy. She wanted to meet with the pathologist and some of her colleagues to discuss plan of care and I was to meet with her the following week. 

Great more waiting :*(

A Basketball?!?

DAY OF SURGERY!! I was surprisingly very calm. I just wanted this thing out of me!! I nick named the tumor, "my little alien baby." Guess I should back up and explain how this came about... Reason number 1: when I returned home I showed my mom and aunt the pictures from my CT scan and MRI. As they were trying to decide where the tumor was and how big it was, they began seeing things....yes seeing things. They started saying, "Look there's a bunny!," "Oh wow it looks like a wolf or bat." I was like seriously guys stop talking about my organs -_-....Now reason 2: During my appointment I spoke of in my previous post, one of  Dr. Lee's colleagues described all of the possible tumors it may be. One in particular stood out, teratoma. A teratoma is an encapsulated tumor that can contain tissue or organ components. She stated that there have been some instances where they have found bone, teeth or even hair in the tumors. I repeated to myself, "teeth and hair, GROSS!!" Yea so that's how I came up with "alien baby." I did not want some foreign thing to keep growing inside of me; causing me to pee all the time and making look as if I'm 4 months preggers      -__-

I was as ready as I could be for surgery. I was mentally ready and I had my family with me for support. One minute I was going under anesthesia and the next I was awake and in recovery. I woke up very groggy and hazy. God only knows what crazy things I was saying. I just remember two things; the tumor was benign (YAY) and it was a big as a BASKETBALL!!

Below are pictures comparing my 2pack ;-) with my alien baby. Keep in mind these pictures are only about 3-4 weeks apart. Not the best angels but you can get the idea of how much the tumor had actually grown.

1 Week prior to surgery

Teddy and I about 3-4 weeks prior to surgery

My bday 2pack :-)

I Can do This

My boyfriend, Mike, flew out to Houston to help me drive back to NC. After 20 hours of driving, eating bad food and listening to every new album out, we finally made it home. It was early Sunday morning and we were both exhausted. I was welcomed home by my family but most importantly my mom. I scheduled my appointment with a gynecologist oncologist (gyn onc) for the following day at Duke University Hospital. Duke was recommended to me by a few people. Not to mention they have an award winning cancer center. I met with an amazing woman, Dr. Paula Lee. Dr. Lee reviewed my medical records in which I had previously faxed to her and began discussing my plan of care. For the most part, she agreed with what I was told by my doctors in Houston....surgery was inevitable. During my appointment, my mother asked her if she felt that the tumor was cancerous. Dr. Lee kindly responded, "I don't want you leaving here today thinking you have cancer." She went on to describe every scenario and "what if" question I could possibly have. She explained that in addition to removing the tumor she would have to remove my right ovary and Fallopian tube. She reassured me that I would still be able to bare children with my remaining ovary and Fallopian tube. I was excited to hear this news because it was always in the back of my mind. Dr. Lee stated that during surgery she would send my tumor to pathology for a preliminary screening. If at that time the preliminary result came back as no cancer then she would stitch me up and send me on my way. However, if the preliminary report came back as cancer then she would have to insert a port (used for chemo) so that I may follow surgery with chemotherapy. This last detail left me a little uneasy but this was probably the first time I felt like, "I could do this."

My Health takes Priority

At the oncologist's office I sat and waited with my friend Effie. We waited for about 2 hours!!! Told ya'll how my patience is. Anyway, so they finally call my name and everything became so surreal. I began telling her my story and I remember sitting in front of her, thinking to myself, "How did I get here?" I wanted so bad to convince myself that they had somehow switched my test results with someone much older than me. How could I possibly have cancer? I worked out regularly, tried to eat healthy, and went to the doctor faithfully. There was no way that I could have cancer, certainly not me! Ladies and gents, cancer has no respect of person. It aims to destroy the young and old, as a friend once told me. The doctor told me that I would need surgery, preferably sooner than later. The tumor appeared to be growing rapidly and they did not want to prolong treatment. It would not be until the tumor was surgically removed that they could tell me definitively that it was cancer.

Snapped back to reality, I knew I had to go home. Back to North Carolina where I could have the support of my family. There was no way I could have surgery alone. I asked for all of my medical records and test results so that I may take them to an oncologist in NC. Everything began happening so fast it was so hard to digest. Looking back I probably should have left that weekend to go back home but at the time I was focused on the wrong things. I found myself concerned with leaving my job and canceling my contract. I did not want to have to pay to get out of the rest of my two week contract (yeah only 2 weeks left, I know). I eventually realized that my health was wayyyyy more important than work. I called my recruiter and my nurse manager and they were so understanding. I felt like a fool for not saying something to them sooner. They were both equally understanding and I was able to go home a week early.

It all Starts to Sink in

After my initial doctor's appointment, I was scheduled for a CT scan, ultrasound, sonogram, and labs....a lot right? Needless to say my Gynecologist was very thorough. I had to wait a few days for my test results. Being patient has never been my forte, but I'm working on it. My tests were scheduled on a Thursday and it was Labor Day weekend so I did not hear back until the following Tuesday. A nurse finally called me with my results. She casually informed me that my doctor's suspicions were correct and that he felt more confident that the tumor was malignant. She asked me to come in later that day to meet with their oncologist and to have some more labs drawn. I'm not sure if it was the casualness in her conversation or the fact that she mentioned the word "oncologist," but I was extremely nervous. The first phone call I made after speaking with the nurse was to my mother. "Hey ma, so I just received the call from my nurse," and I immediately began balling my eyes out. I was so scared and frightened that I did not want to face the oncologist alone. My mother, being the prayer warrior that she is, began praying. I promise I don't know where I would be without that woman's prayers. She helped to lift my spirits and gave me the strength I needed to face my fears. I think it hurt my mom that she could only comfort me through the phone and she suggested I try and bring a friend to my appointment.

So I sent a text to my friend, Raina, and asked her if she could come to a doctor's appointment with me. At the time Raina did not know what was going or why I asked but her immediate response was yes. We get to the doctor's office and were told the oncologist was booked for the day and I would have to schedule an appointment for later that week. After I had built the confidence and brought a support partner, I was very disappointed that I had to wait even longer. I asked to speak with my Gynecologist so that I could find out why he felt my tumor was malignant. He explained that after reviewing my CT scan that the tumor appeared to be dense and also have some calcification (calcification usually=cancer.) So, in addition to meeting with the oncologist,  he scheduled a MRI and additional labs. It was hard to digest all of what he was saying...thank God Raina was with me. She cleverly suggested, "let's get some drinks!!"

Scared, frightened, and nervous for what was to come; drinks were exactly what I needed!!

The Appointment that Changed My Life

Alright so I guess I should start from the beginning. As I've mentioned I'm a travel nurse. My last assignment was in Houston, TX...H TOWNNN!! I absolutely LOVE Houston it was probably one of my fav assignments. I meant some fellow travelers who have become some really good friends of mine. Teddy was one of the very first people I met. She was soooo nice to me AND she was from New York (no offense New Yorkers lol.) My time in Houston was during the summer so quite naturally Teddy and I were on this whole "healthy lifestyle" thing. We encouraged each other to work out and eat healthy, which was sometimes easier said than done. My goal for the summer was to get a 6-pack by my 26th birthday. Needless to say I was only able to accomplish the 2-pack, which I was happy with :-).

Towards the end of the summer I mentioned to Teddy that I was beginning to get concerned. I was starting to feel like I may have a urinary tract infection (UTI). Honestly, I told Teddy that I thought it may have progressed to something more severe, i.e. pelvic inflammatory disease (PID). I went on to describe a weird pressure sensation I could feel in my uterus, whenever I went running. I was even concerned that I was not able to get my 6-pack for the summer. I always had a hard time with my lower abs and I had a little pudge that never seemed to go away. Teddy jokingly responded, "Have you been Googling?" Lol I can't blame her it was an honest question...nurses tend to self diagnose too often. Nevertheless, I made my appointment to see an OBGYN. *Now if I can just pause for a second* As a travel nurse you bounce from city to city, state to state every 13 weeks. So, it's very hard to keep up with doctor's appointments and it's impossible to consistently see the same doctor. With that being said, making my appointment was quite difficult. Being a new patient it was hard to get an appointment scheduled somewhat immediately (new patients sometimes get put on the back burner.) However, I was insistent and determined to be seen!! 

I was FINALLY able to get an appointment scheduled. I remember that day rather vividly. The beginning of the appointment was very routine. They took my blood pressure, I provided a urine sample, answered a few questions...and then I patiently waited to see the doctor. As he was examining me, he mentioned that he felt something in my lower abdomen. He then proceeded to do a vaginal ultrasound and pointed to the screen and said, "you see that? There's quite a large mass in your uterus." I looked at the ultrasound and replied, "Uhhh no, I have no idea what I'm looking at." (Sidenote: Nurses don't really have to read ultrasounds.) Then he went on to explain there was a large mass which appeared to come off my right ovary and was about the size of a soft ball. He mentioned he was concerned that it may be malignant (cancerous) and he wanted to go for a series of test....

Little did I know, this appointment would be the first of many...

Who Am I: 100 characters or less

Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Crystal. I'm 21 *coughs* 26 years old and I'm from North Carolina. I was born in Texas and moved to some many different states growing up that I have lost count lol. I graduated from the illustrious North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University (AGGIE PRIDE!!) I am a travel registered nurse, although I'm not currently working (I'll touch on that on another post.) 

Sooooo, the reason I'm starting this blog is to document my journey and battle with ovarian cancer. Yes I am a nurse but I am by no means an expert. My intentions are to tell my story in hopes to encourage others. I'm hoping this will not only be therapeutic for me but will also help to inspire and educate other women. I am determined to beat this cancer and I will not stop until it's GONE!! Please continue to follow my journey because my life has just begun...