Stage Fright

When I first started this blog, I had no idea how many people would actually read it. In my mind, I am just putting my thoughts in writing to help release whatever I'm going through on that particular day. So when I was contacted by motivational speaker, Jai Cook, to speak at her event appropriately titled, "Time to Do You," I was pleasantly surprised. Jai reached out to me via Instagram (the power of social media) and asked if I would be interested in sharing my story. Without hesitation I agreed and later thought to myself, "what did I just agree to?." It's so much easier to share things on my blog or to post videos and pictures on Facebook or Instagram...but to tell my story in person, in front of a group of people is another story.

Meeting Jai helped to ease my mind and calm my nerves, as she has such a beautiful spirit.The first time I actually met her was at the event. Like most of us she comes from a difficult past, which you would never be able to tell from just looking at her. I thought to myself, "If Jai has come from such a troubled past and she did not allow herself to become a victim of her past...then I should be able to tell my story with no problem." I spent the afternoon listening to speeches from such inspiring women, while in the back of my mind praying that I wouldn't get on stage and freeze!

My moment finally came, "...introducing Crystal Bailey." I slowly walked up to the stage, trying not to trip and fall  in front of everyone in my 6 inch heels. I get to the podium, stand tall, and look out into the audience noting everyone's blank stares..."Good evening everyone..." Ok, that wasn't so bad. After a few shaky words and nerves came out, the words just began to flow out of my mouth like I had done this a million times before. Blank stares turned into attentive listening and I knew that I was reaching people.

After my speech, the event soon ended. People began coming to me, thanking me for sharing my story. Some offering prayers and giving me hugs, others shared personal stories of how cancer touched their lives.It was then I knew then that my nerves and reservations about public speaking were irrelevant. I was able to empower and educate others just by telling my story, which was truly a blessing to me. A young woman approached me and shared with me that she was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and would soon be undergoing a double mastectomy. All I could do was hug her. I saw myself in her and I immediately felt her pain. In some strange way I felt as if my hug would take away her pain. If only hugs were that powerful, I would speak in every city around the country until I was able to hug any and everyone going through life's challenges.

 Jai and I 

Visit Jai's website for upcoming events http://www.jaispeaks2u.com/

Hurt people, hurt people.

Hurt people, hurt people and I am no exception to this statement. Throughout my journey I have had the most amazing group of supporters. Family, friends, and people I've never even met. A lot of times, I find myself taking things out on the people closest to me. Having cancer and going through treatment for cancer can hurt your spirit. I personally go through periods where "I just don't feel right.," as if my spirit is not at peace. When you are going through a difficult time in your life, all you want is for someone to empathize with you. They may not completely understand but they are there to comfort you and encourage you. No matter what they say or how helpful they are, you only see the negative. For example, I remember expressing to someone that I woke up feeling very sad and emotional. Their response was, "I understand, but don't let it keep you down. It is so early in the day. You are still able to make the rest of the day a good day." My response was so dismissive ..."You don't understand. Just let me be sad. I don't want to think about the rest of the day. Right now I'm sad and that's just it." I then ended the conversation by abruptly getting off the phone.

Now I'm not one to use excuses but to my defense I have noted that chemotherapy causes one to have a lot of mood swings. One minute I'm happy with life and all is well. The next minute I'm sad and depressed and just want my life back. Of course, most people will never completely understand this, having never experienced it. That doesn't mean they can't still give you words of encouragement and try to cheer you up.

 I appreciate everything everyone has done for me. I do not take for granted anything or anyone God has placed in my life. What makes me most happy is those people who I know I have snapped at are still around and still putting up with me. So I can't be that bad of a person lol. I recognize that we are only human and those who truly love us unconditionally will always be there. So starting now (not waiting for the New Year) I am working on being a better me. I will not allow this stupid cancer to control my life or hurt my spirit. I am healed by His stripes and I know God has so much more in store for me. Stay tuned 2014 is going to be a GREAT year :-)

Graduation Day

Friday, December 6, 2013, my last day of chemotherapy!! I woke up feeling pretty terrible, as the week had taken it's toll on me. I received plenty of encouraging words and congratulations that morning. As much as I wanted to dance and rip out the PICC line from my arm...I had to still make it thru the day. I wanted more than anything for it to be over, so I did what ever I could to distract my self from the poison taking over my body.  I missed Scandal the night before so the first thing I did was catch up on the latest episode :-)
All you could hear was gasps and "OMGs" from my mother and I watching the episode...lol Scandal tends to have that effect. My entertain was short lived and I was quickly brought back to reality as the show ended...Damn that Shonda Rimes.

Still after the excitement of Scandal my mood was still pretty solemn. I was dehydrated and hadn't been able to eat much in the last 24 hours. My nurse was patient with me and gave me more IV fluids to help with the dehydration. My mom tried to encourage me to eat and drink something but I was too stubborn and tired to be obedient...sorry mom. Later that afternoon some of my friends and boyfriend came to celebrate with me. They came bearing gifts of talking stuffed animals and Panera bread which was equivalent to a steak dinner, considering how hungry I was. We reminisced , laughed and joked and before I knew it...I was done!! "Ok, all done.," my nurse rejoiced as she disconnected my IV. The most beautiful words she could have said. I could not believe I did it. I completed chemotherapy. I was happy for it to be over but so not looking forward to recovery.

Dreading the recovery process to come, I decided to celebrate the best I could, with what energy I had left. We took lots of pictures and went eat some of my favorite food...Mexican!! Overall, it was a great day. I DID IT!! Graduating from chemotherapy was probably 100 times better than my college graduation. It brought me one step closer to fighting for my life, which is priceless.

 A gift from my chemo nurses

Speaking Annoucement

I am pleased to announce I will be speaking at my first event, Sunday December 16, 2014, in Charlotte North Carolina. I would love to see you all. There will be plenty of vendors and other actives going on as well. Go to http://www.jaispeaks2u.com/ for more information and to purchase your tickets.

God's Hugs

Sunday night, as I was preparing to go to bed, I had a very uneasy saddening feeling. I knew what was to come Monday morning, my third cycle of chemo, and I did not want to go in any way, shape or form. I called my Mike to help ease my anxiety. He did his best to provide me with encouraging words, but sometimes when we get in a "mood" it can be hard to shake. Nonetheless, he was able to help ease my anxiety enough to fall asleep...that and I have drugs to help with just about anything (prescription of course  ;-)  So, I wake up Monday morning and just lie in bed as I listen to my alarm going off. The same feelings of sadness had returned, though I did not have much anxiety. By this time I already knew what to expect once I got to the hospital. I think it was just more the thought of what was to come following my chemotherapy. As far as symptoms and side effects go.

I had finally begun to feel like a normal person, besides the constant fatigue. So, the thought of having that sense of normalcy taken away from me was one of the worst feelings. Sleepless nights, losing weight from not being able to eat as much, the general feeling of being uncomfortable, I could go on and on as to why I did not want to go back to chemo...BUT I knew in the back of my mind it was for the best. That I have to complete my journey and I cannot allow this stupid cancer to get the best of me. Despite my sadness, I mustard up the strength and courage and made my way to the hospital.

My mom was with me, as she is most days. She asked, how I was feeling and I couldn't bring myself to be 100% honest. I wasn't trying to be a Debbie downer and I knew somehow I had to shake the feeling. So, I did what any normal girl would do in these situations. I went to the bathroom and called my boyfriend...again lol. Once again he helped calm me down and told me to "get out of the bathroom," aka MAN-UP. So I got myself together and went back into the lobby with my mother. By this time I had my labs drawn and met with my doctor. It was now time to go to the waiting area for chemo. I chose our seats next to these big windows. I was drawn to them because of I noticed the sun shinning through. I don't know what happened but as soon as I sat down my spirits instantly lifted.

Something about me and the sun is very comforting. I've always enjoyed outdoors and just nature in general. It's kind of like God's way of hugging me...at least that's how I like to think of it. My bear hug from God was all I needed to make it through the rest of the day. Throughout the day I also received so much encouragement from friends, family and my adopted social media family. Then there is my mom, God I don't know what I would do without that woman. She kept me laughing the whole day, just being silly. So, chemo cycle 3 day 1, I say was a success. Thank you to all who made my day turn out for the better! Love you guys XOXOXO