Fighting Through

This last  round of chemo was particularly rough. The actual week of chemo was so long I didn't think it would ever end. But of course I made it through and I was never so happy for a Friday to come. I know I've mentioned how draining chemotherapy is before but I don't think there are words to actually describe the intensity of it. I guess the only way I can think of is that it just physically drains the life out of you. If there was a way to record my moods or energy level each day, you would see it gradually trend down...until there is absolutely nothing left to give. Subsequently you're trying to regain strength and energy, which is draining within itself. I don't like to complain but chemotherapy really is the worst thing I have EVER experienced. 

I remember lying in bed Saturday morning listening to kids outside, laughing and playing. The sun was shinning, the leaves were glistening with the beautiful autumn hue of reds and oranges. All I could do was just lay there. I wanted so badly to go outside and just sit on the steps.... just to get some sunlight, and I could do nothing but lay there. I didn't even have the energy to cry. How depressing is that? I wanted so bad to feel sorry for myself and just lay in bed and cry...and I couldn't even do that. I spent the entire weekend lying around trying to will myself to feel better and there was nothing I could do. So, I just allowed my mind to go crazy and...think.

Your mindset has a lot to do with how you view things in life. I generally try to surround myself with positive people and things, to keep positive energy in my life. There are times, however, where I don't want to be positive. Where I just want to be a Debbie downer and complain and vent and whatever else. I believe those moments are just as important as being positive. I'm sorry but no one is ALWAYS happy go lucky. Character is built during times of adversity. I believe in those low moments when I'm feeling really down on myself, God is working on me. I don't know what His plan is but I will continue fighting through this battle until I come out Victorious on the other side!!

The Right Thing to Say

When people are going through some of what may seem to be the hardest trials in their life; i.e., death, sickness, money problems...you may try and find yourself struggling to find "the right thing to say." You could try and console your grief stricken best friend by saying, "Your father is now resting in a better place." Or comfort a friend in the hospital by telling them, "everything will be ok. You will be FINE." While these things are encouraging and can also be uplifting...sometimes it's just not the right thing to say. 

Well, what do you say to someone who is going through a major life situation that you may or may not be able to relate to? You say NOTHING, yes nothing. A lot of times we get caught up in "the right thing to say," that we don't actually take the time to listen to what ever that person is going through. I'm sure your grief stricken best friend knows her father is "resting in better place," but right then in that moment of consoling...your job is to only listen. Naturally your instinct is to take away that person's pain. I urge you to do the opposite. Allow her to cry and be angry and get mad at the world. Through her tears she will be renewed. I cannot tell you how many times I've wanted to just complain about how I hate chemo and how I'd rather pluck out every single strand of hair one by one than to have chemo take it from me. I obviously know chemo is beneficial for me and my health, and my hair WILL grow back, blah, blah, blah...I KNOW. Not to sound insensitive but sometimes I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT. Just let me mad or frustrated or whatever and when I'm done tell me good job, followed by a thumbs up. You never know what someone is actually going through unless you yourself are going through it. So, please before thinking of something clever to say, just listen... 

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Chemo Stole My hair

Here's the video of me finally shaving my hair!!

 My lovely mother did the honors

Everybody Hates Mondays

Everybody (in general) hates Mondays. They have never really bothered me personally, just another day to take over the world. Yesterday, proved to be a little more than I expected. As you know, it was the first day of my second cycle of chemo. I arrived at the hospital to have my PICC line* placed. My cousin and later my sister and mom were my support for the day. PICC line insertion was not too bad. The lady was working alone and she was older so it took a while to find a good vein. The PICC line nurse mentioned to me, "You have tiny veins, I'm guessing cause you are so tiny. You barely have any adipose tissue." Now I'm thinking to myself, "I'm actually at a healthy weight for my height and age and I thought having no adipose tissue was good?" Adipose tissue is just a fancy medical term for fat...in case you were wondering. Anyway, it didn't really bother me much. I'm quite comfortable with my petite size, petite girls have plenty of advantages ;-).
After my PICC was placed she wanted to be 100% sure it was in the right location...which means I was sent to have an xray for confirmation.

It was 11:30 once I was told that my PICC line placement was successfully and I was good to go for my chemo treatment. I was excited because my chemo appointment wasn't scheduled until 12:30. I naively assumed that this meant I start chemo sooner and get out much sooner than I originally expected, WRONG. I was not called back until around 2 -_-. As, I've mentioned before my treatments are generally 4-5 hours depending on the nurse. So, you already know I was slightly annoyed for having to wait so long. I didn't complain, I was just ready to get started. Approximately, 3 hours into my treatment...I began to have a reaction to Bleomycin (a chemotherapy agent). Now I've received this drug before but I only get it on the first day, Monday, of each cycle. I began to complain of feeling "winded," like I had just climbed a few flights of stairs. I also began getting hives in my lower back which itched like crazy. I told my nurse....well my mom told my nurse (she was a little more worried than me) and the nurse came with another nurse and the Physician's Assistant to assess me. They took my vitals, and gave me some Benadryl IV. Now I know I'm a nurse and I know the side effects of drugs but mind you I have never had to actually take some of these drugs before. Benadryl in pill form, yes, but Benadryl IV nope, never. When I tell you I thought I was drunk out my mind lol. I felt dizzy like the room and my body were swaying, I felt as if I were slurring my words and just rambling. I wish someone would have recorded it because I know I was hilarious. Once the initial impact wore off I was knocked out like a baby. I think I finally made it home around 8:30. It was a terribly long day but a good day to say the least. We shall see how the rest of this week goes. Prayers up ;-)

*a peripherally inserted central catheter (PICC). It is long, slender, small, flexible tube that is inserted into a peripheral vein, typically in the upper arm, and advanced until the catheter tip terminates in a large vein in the chest near the heart to obtain intravenous access. PICC lines are similar to a standard IV but are generally used for long term IV use, i.e. chemotherapy. -http://picclinenursing.com/picc_why.html

One More Week of Freedom

My chemo got pushed back another week, yay!! I was suppose to start Monday but my neutrophil count had only increased to 600 over the weekend : /  So, instead of starting my second cycle of chemotherapy, I was sent home to enjoy the rest of my week. I don't know if it's wrong to be excited, but I don't care at this moment. I get another week to relax and "be normal." So that's exactly what I did after I got my results. I spent the last week being as normal as I could be. I was able to start running again...and I ran every single day lol. This weekend was my college homecoming aka Greatest Homecoming on Earth (GHOE), which means a lot of my friends came into town. My line sister, Kristie, took me to get a mani/pedi (my guilty pleasure). My sister and my friend Audrey also stopped by to spend some time with me. Friday, I had to go back to the hospital to have my labs drawn again...just to be sure my neutrophil count was high enough to start chemo on Monday, November 4. Immediately after I left the hospital, I grabbed my things and made the drive to GHOE.

This was by far the best weekend I've had in a long time. I saw some of my friends and best of all some of my supporters. So many people who follow my story came up to me just to hug me and let me know they were praying for me. It's nice to know you have people in your corner. People I don't even know. It's truly a blessing, I can't even describe the feeling. I was so eager to indulge in the activities so I got dressed, put some lipstick on and made my way to a party or two :-) It was great to dance and have a couple drinks (literally a couple) and just forget about everything. For one weekend I forgot about cancer, chemo, doctor's appointments and anything negative in my life and it was AWESOME!! I wanted so badly to see all my friends and make every party, however my body wouldn't allow me. So, I quickly was reminded "listen to your body Crystal." and in the midst of all the partying, I took a nap whenever needed. Saturday night I even went to bed at 7 :-( I may not have been able to hang like I wanted but I'm more than happy I went. I want to thank everyone who encouraged me to have a great time. Going to GHOE was probably the best thing I did in a while.