Fighting Through

This last  round of chemo was particularly rough. The actual week of chemo was so long I didn't think it would ever end. But of course I made it through and I was never so happy for a Friday to come. I know I've mentioned how draining chemotherapy is before but I don't think there are words to actually describe the intensity of it. I guess the only way I can think of is that it just physically drains the life out of you. If there was a way to record my moods or energy level each day, you would see it gradually trend down...until there is absolutely nothing left to give. Subsequently you're trying to regain strength and energy, which is draining within itself. I don't like to complain but chemotherapy really is the worst thing I have EVER experienced. 

I remember lying in bed Saturday morning listening to kids outside, laughing and playing. The sun was shinning, the leaves were glistening with the beautiful autumn hue of reds and oranges. All I could do was just lay there. I wanted so badly to go outside and just sit on the steps.... just to get some sunlight, and I could do nothing but lay there. I didn't even have the energy to cry. How depressing is that? I wanted so bad to feel sorry for myself and just lay in bed and cry...and I couldn't even do that. I spent the entire weekend lying around trying to will myself to feel better and there was nothing I could do. So, I just allowed my mind to go crazy and...think.

Your mindset has a lot to do with how you view things in life. I generally try to surround myself with positive people and things, to keep positive energy in my life. There are times, however, where I don't want to be positive. Where I just want to be a Debbie downer and complain and vent and whatever else. I believe those moments are just as important as being positive. I'm sorry but no one is ALWAYS happy go lucky. Character is built during times of adversity. I believe in those low moments when I'm feeling really down on myself, God is working on me. I don't know what His plan is but I will continue fighting through this battle until I come out Victorious on the other side!!