What a Difference a Week Makes

This is from  the left and right sides of my hair. Just from my mom combing my hair to put in two braids.

This week has been interesting to say the least. As you can see my hair decided to come out this week. The top two pictures were just taken last week and the bottom two were taken yesterday. If you saw the video I posted previously, you'll see how I was affected when my hair first started to come out.  It has been a very emotional experience thus far but I'm managing pretty well. Thanks to all my supporters for your prayers and encouragement!!

When Life Hands you a Lemon...

Things in life never go as planned, which is why I try to be a free spirit. Wherever life takes me that day, that's where I'm going. I try not to argue with life...it's easier that way. When life hands me a lemon, I make lemonade (corny I know). But I think it helps to manage a lot of stressful situations....Get a flat tire on my way to work..."Welp, maybe there was a traffic accident I was meant to avoid." Try and find the positive in every situation, that's how I try and live life. Today, was no different. I went to the hospital to have labs drawn and later met with my oncologist. After, I catch her up on my life for the last two weeks, she proceeds to tell me the plan for next week. "Your neutrophil count is low (part of white blood cells). So, we may have to push your chemo back a week." I'm usually the one that asks a question I don't necessarily want the answer to but I need to know..."How low is low?" "Well, it came back at 500, and we like to see you at 1500, which is normal. We like for you to be 1500 before you start your next chemotherapy cycle." Now, some people may gripe and complain about chemo being delayed, some may be excited to get another week off. I was both happy and annoyed, go figure. Of course I want to continue with my treatments, the sooner I start, the sooner I can get them over with. On the other hand, my college homecoming is this week and I was already not excited about missing it...so missing chemo next week means I could possibly attend more festivities. Yay!! I get to see all of my friends, eat great food, and maybe even get to drink a glass of wine...or 2! See where my priorities are? Lol, no but on a serious note. Either way I'm OK. Monday morning, I will go have my labs drawn and depending on the results I may or may not have chemo. Situations like these you just have to accept either situation. Find the good in everything, that's my motto. Don't get me wrong I have my, "eff the world" moments, but I always come back to my optimism. It helps to keep me sane when the rest of the world wants to throws shade my way.

Hair Shedding Part2

I wanted to make a post in correlation with my hair shedding video. First, let me say that it was by no means easy for me to post that video. Yesterday, I washed my hair, which was about 2 weeks from when I first started chemo. I was expecting to have some shedding, because of what came out Saturday night. As, I was in the shower detangling my hair, literally clumps of hair came out with each comb through. It may not have been as bad if I combed my hair on a regular basis but I have curly hair so I comb it about 1-2 times a week. As, I'm in the shower setting clumps of hair on the side of the tub, I finally just stopped. My hair had thinned out so much I couldn't take it any more. I wanted to capture the moment, no matter how traumatized I was. So, I got out of the shower wrapped up in a towel, grabbed my phone and immediately started recording. What you guys saw was my immediate reaction to me not just losing my hair but to everything. So, many people have said, "it's just hair, it will grow back," or "you're beautiful with or without hair." I know everyone means well but that really has nothing to do with my tears. 

You see this past weekend was probably the best I've felt since I started chemo. My pooh took my out and we spent the day together just doing "normal stuff." My hair was big and curly, I felt great and I was able to get out of the house...doesn't get much better than that. We went to eat at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants and I ate and ate and ate. Next we went to Krispy Kreme and I ate some more. We walked the mall, and window shopped some. Then, went bowling where I beat him 4 times in a row (don't tell him I told you that though). It was just a great day, not because of our quality time but because it was the first time in weeks that I felt "normal." I didn't once feel like "the sick girl." My priceless moment was that I forgot I even had cancer. Washing my hair yesterday, quickly brought me back to reality. As, my hair was coming out, everything became so surreal. I remember thinking to myself, "WOW, you really have cancer." 

As I faced myself in the mirror, I was forced to look at myself...I mean really look at myself. I saw a young woman who has the ability to conquer anything. I saw love, strength and courage in my eyes. I wiped my tears, cleaned up my hair, and put a smile back on my face. I debated all day on whether or not to post the video. I struggled with the thought of allowing everyone to see me in such a vulnerable state. Not many people have seen me cry, I can probably count them on one hand. After, talking to my pooh, I decided to share. I hope I didn't depress anyone too bad with my tears but know that I am OK. I just wanted people to see that cancer is REAL. Cancer does not discriminate to age or race. I have cancer but cancer does not have me!! I am a survivor and I will overcome this obstacle. God bless everyone for being so supportive. Love you guys :-)

Hair Shedding

I apologize it's sideways but I can't figure out how to turn it. But you can still get the idea. Watch with caution...had a cry baby moment :*(

Natural Hair Love

I've been having a great hair week *does happy dance* For those who don't know I've been growing my naturally for about 5 years. It has been a lonnnng process but I have finally figured out a regimen that works for me. When I straightened my hair for chemo, I also got a much needed trim and baby when I tell you the trim gave my hair life!!! Lol, I was so excited to see how healthy my hair had become. I was also sad because I knew it was only temporary. Despite the inevitable I chose to enjoy my head full of healthy curls for the week. Fast forward to Saturday night and it was almost time to wash my hair. I decided to twist it instead and just wash it the following day. I've twisted my hair before, pretty simple process. Except, as I began separating and detangling my hair, I noticed some shedding...way more than usual. I started to freak. I'm not ready to lose my hair, not that I ever will be...but I 've come so far!! I continued to twist my hair very gently, tied it up and went to sleep. The next morning my twistout didn't look too nice, so I improvised. I played around with my hair until I figured out a style suitable enough for church....can't go to church looking crazy lol. Anyway, I was able to get my hair up into a bun. A BUN!! I was able to put MY hair into a BUN!! I think it's been years since I've been able to wear my own hair in a bun while it's in its natural state. *happy dance* This may seem trivial and underwhelming to some. But if you know me you know how I am about my hair. Which only means when it starts coming out like forreal forreal, I already know it's gonna be traumatizing. 

3rd Day wash n go

My bun ;-)

Shedding

Learning to Listen to My Body

This past week has been pretty rough for me. It was my first week of rest after chemo and my body was doing all kind of crazy things. Well maybe not "crazy" per-say but I definitely went through a lot of different changes. The weekend after I finished chemo I was sooooo exhausted. I tried to get as much rest as I could but it was so hard for me to get any sleep. I'm taking quite a few medications and one in particular is a steroid which is what contributes to my insomnia. When I tell you I have a few medications, what I really mean is, I have something for EVERYTHING!! I have two different medications for nausea which I take around the clock, and a steroid. But wait there's more...I started having the worst indigestion ever known to man  so I have some Zantac for that. I also bought some Tums for immediate relief (YES it's THAT serious) Then one of the meds started causing me to itch so I got some Benadryl, which I was also hoping it would help me get some sleep but that was a joke. By Tuesday, I requested a prescription for something to help me sleep so now I have something for that. I'm sure I left something out but you get the point. 

So, I haven't been able to sleep, I have indigestion, starting to get acne really bad (a side effect of one of the meds I'm sure), my torso and arms are sore, as if someone beat me up, my scalp is now sore, and my body is exhausted. Needless to say, I spent the first week adjusting to all the madness. I had to learn to listen to my body and try not to do too much at once. For example, the first day I had energy, I decided to go for a bike ride. I probably made it to the stop sign before I realized what a terrible idea that was. A mile into it, I was so tired and my heart was beating so fast I didn't think I was going to make it home. Yeah so I won't do that again smh. By, Friday I finally got a routine down to help conserve energy throughout an entire day. We'll see how my routine changes as I continue with my treatments. So, far I believe I'm managing pretty well. 

Excuse Me While I Rant

Finished my first week of Chemo!! When I say there was no way I could have been 100% prepared for this week...MAN! I wanted to document my journey this week daily, however, things don't always go as planned. The first day was by far the easiest but by Wednesday I was in a ball of tears. I remember waking up and just lying in bed, thinking to myself, "God please let today go by quickly." Everyday started off the same: check in at the hospital at 9am, get IV fluids, urinate 100ccs/hr, get nausea meds and steroids, get chemo drugs, and finished off with more IV fluids. The entire process takes about 4-5 hours. It sounds pretty straightforward but I promise it's anything but. Everyone wants me to focus on "getting my treatments," but life doesn't stop just because you're sick. Sooooo getting back to Wednesday's tears....I was so exhausted Wednesday morning. The steroids I get keep me up at night, I'm peeing every hour at night from all of the IV fluids and I literally feel as if the life is being drained out of me day in and day out.

 I start my treatment per usual Wednesday morning and begin my morning convo with my mom. We're interrupted by a series of social workers, phone calls, nurses, insurance ppl, etc, etc. I remember my mom on the phone talking with a lady about how to get medications and what not...meanwhile I'm on the phone with insurance people frustrated because it's been two weeks and my stuff has yet to go through to Cobra. I don't know what triggered the first tear I just remember feeling so overwhelmed. I felt like no one understood how hard it was just for me to sit for a treatment. Adding on all this business was so freaking aggravating. Everyday, I'm checking on this person, following up with the next, getting the run around from someone else...I just wanted to SCREAM!! I was so frustrated I snapped at my mom...which only made me feel even worse cause she was only trying to comfort me. She stepped out to get lunch and I'm pretty sure asked my nurse to come speak with me but she entered not too long after. Thank God for nurses. Never thought I'd be the patient crying to my nurse but things are different when the roles are reversed. I don't remember our conversation I just appreciated her allowing me to vent. I just needed a release and for someone to take a moment and listen to me.

I don't want to continue ranting and complaining...I guess I just wanted to share my frustrations. Everyday is not perfect...I am not always happy. I will cry. I will not feel like getting out of bed. I will have to allow people to help me. BUT I WILL GET THROUGH THIS!! Dear God, I have to get through this!

That Girl is POISOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON...

Yesterday was my very first day of chemotherapy. I was tossing and turning all night, just couldn't seem to get my mind to relax. I woke up super early and had to report to the hospital at 7am for labs...didn't have any time for breakfast before leaving home. So, I stopped by the vampires, allowed them to draw my blood and immediately went to the hospital cafeteria for breakfast at chick-fil-a :-) My next appointment, at 8am, was with a new oncologist which Dr. lee referred me too, since she was now working at the Duke Raleigh location. My new oncologist was very nice and made me feel completely comfortable in her care. I was provided with more teaching about the side effects of chemo and I was given a schedule for the next month. My last appointment and the most important one of the day was for my chemotherapy treatment.

I was as ready as I possibly could be, mentally and physically. I had my hair straightened this weekend, seeing as how it my be one of the last times I will get to enjoy it. I had eaten breakfast, prayed with my mother, and spoken to plenty of people who provided me with such encouraging words. My nurse was super sweet and just briefly went over what I was to expect for the day. I was to be there for the next 4-5 hours for treatment. This included the time for administering maintenance IV fluids, premeditation for nausea as well as my chemo drugs. The first couple hours I was just fine. Had a few visitors and my mom provided me with plenty of corny jokes. Then "IT WAS TIME!!" My nurse came to start my first chemo drug, Bleomycin. This one only took 10 min to be injected and honestly I didn't feel a thing. Etoposide was the next drug of choice, which ran over about an hour. After a while, to entertain myself I began to sing, Poison by Bell Biv Devoe. My mom asked, "girl what are you singing and dancing to?" I answered by singing louder of course, "That girl is POISOOOOOOOOOOON..." My mom began laughing, not at my singing of course, but she laughed and asked why I was singing that particular song. I explained to her that I felt as if these chemotherapy drugs are like a poison, "I got poison running through my veins to help kill this stupid cancer cells," I continued to explain.

As you can see I tried my best to make this experience as enjoyable as I could by singing and joking. My only complaint was that I was starving and sleepy by the end of the day. My first day was about 9 hours total, including my morning appointments. Afterwards, my mom and I grabbed some dinner and laughed some more.  I have to go for treatment everyday this week, so let's see how I'm feeling by the end of the week : /

Side note: In my next post I will try and go into detail about the type of chemo regimen I'm on. If you have any questions you would like for me to expound on please comment below or you can email me at crbfightscancer@gmail.com. If you would like to support by donating through my rally, please go to https://rally.org/crystalbailey.

 I have no idea what was so interesting 

 Laughing at my silly mother

 My beautiful mother and I 

 Starting my first dose of Chemo

I WILL WIN!!

I'm Ready

*Fast forward* So I've had surgery and now waiting to start chemotherapy. I'm about 90% recovered from surgery so Dr. Lee suggested  I try and continue to have a normal life and resume my usual activities. I planned to start a new work contract in Winston Salem so that I would not be too far from home. I called the nurse manager to inform her of everything that was going on with me. I wanted her to know that I would be starting chemotherapy soon and may need to go over a schedule with her. She was very concerned about me not being able to work because of chemo and asked if she could get back to me. I already knew what that meant. I couldn't blame her though...she didn't know me personally so her decision to cancel my contract only made sense. 

Having plenty of extra free time on my hands, I found myself alone with my thoughts quite frequently. Throughout the last couple of months I have gone through every single emotion possible. I can't remember exactly when it happened but I eventually made a decision to turn my situation into something positive. At the end of the day, being sad and depressed is not going to make the process any more enjoyable for anyone.Going public and sharing my story with complete strangers was probably the best decision I made. It has made me more open to talk about it and each time it gets easier. With everyone's support I feel I am as ready as anyone can be...ready to tackle the next step, CHEMO!