Everyday continues to be a struggle. While I'm starting to feel like myself again, I still have good days and bad. I can remember one morning I woke up in one of the best spirits I had been in a while. Trying not to go stir crazy from sitting in the house, I decided to go to the mall and do a little window shopping. I went to Sephora and tried on some lipstick. I'm not much of a makeup person so I easily get overwhelmed by all of the beauty products they have to offer. Let's just say that trip was short lived. I went to different stores trying on scarves, hats, shirts and became overwhelmed. A different type of feeling I had felt while in Sephora. An overwhelming feeling of sadness came over me and I could feel a breakdown coming. I ran to the nearest dressing room, locked myself in a room and looked into the mirror. I looked at myself trying to understand where this was all coming from. I took off my wig, wanting to look at myself in my natural state. It was then that I lost it. It was like the devil was speaking to me through that mirror. "Look at how skinny you've become," "You're so pale," "You have patches of hair on your head, please put your wig back on." All of my insecurities began to surface and my sadness began to take over. As I looked at myself in the mirror I saw an insecure woman. A woman who was sick and who allowed herself to become a victim of her illness.
Never before have I had this happen to me. I have always been a very secure woman, who did not care what people thought of me. "What you think of me, is none of my business.," words that I live by. For some reason being at the mall, seeing all these people who appeared to be so happy. Beautiful, healthy people. I didn't feel like I belonged with these people. I felt like everyone knew I had cancer and looked at me with disgust in their eyes. I just had to get away from everyone and be alone. I found my solitude in that dressing room. Once I was able to pull myself together, I ran to my car and went home.
I've found at times when you feel like you're at your lowest point... pray. I knew that this insecure woman was not me and I did not want to claim any of that negativity. I asked God to take it away from me and to help me shake these negative thoughts. He came through, as He always does and this time in the form of a child. My little cousin, who is 3 years old, came to check on me. She brought me books and some of her stuffed animals to help comfort me. The innocence of a child is so sacred...in her mind we were just playing but I believe God sent her to me to bring peace. No matter how strong I "think" I am on my own, I know that I am nothing without God. I would not be able to go through this battle alone. Through my happiest days and through my dark days, He has never left my side.
Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.
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