Cancer Free in 2014

January 7, 2014, a day that I will always remember. I met with my oncologist to get the results of my most recent labs and tests. I remember feeling very calm and "normal." I was not scared or nervous because I already knew what she was going to tell me. I already proclaimed after my last round of chemo, December 6, 2013, that I would be going into 2014 CANCER FREE!! Dr.Lee only confirmed what I already knew to be true. Many other women do not get the same news as I have and I do not take what He has given me for granted. I plan to continue to spread awareness about ovarian cancer. 2014 I plan to give back and I also hope to participate in my first run/walk for ovarian cancer. 2014 has already proven to be a very promising year...watch me work ;-)

Time to Get Back to Work

There are plenty of books dedicated to help you deal with cancer and how to continue to live a normal life. Reading a book and actually experiencing real life situations are however, completely different. Being out of work during treatment has been a struggle. Struggling with the question of , When should I go back to work?Do I try and work as I'm going through treatment? Will I be able to work as I'm going through treatment? Should I wait until after the holidays to start looking for work? Should I wait until I am cancer free before I apply?  All very valid questions but no one could really advise me on what I should do.

Two things I was sure of. #1. I did not want to continue working as a traveling nurse. I had promised myself that I would only travel for a year which I was able to accomplish before learning of my tumor. #2. I wanted a position that coincided with my career goals. Right around Thanksgiving I began applying for jobs at surrounding hospitals. It took about a month before I started to hear back and was asked to interview. I was excited and nervous because it had been so long since I have had an interview. 

Now that I was being called for interviews, I was faced with more questions. Do I tell them I have cancer? Should I rock my baldie to the interview? How do I explain my gap of employment? All these questions were starting to drive me CRAZY!! I finally decided to go into these interviews wearing my wig and looking as strong and healthy as possible. I wanted to be selected for the position for my work ethic and not because they felt sorry for me. On the other hand I did not want them to see me as weak and unable to perform the expected job duties. I decided not to bring up my condition in any way and I focused on highlighting why I would be a great asset to the team. My interview went well and I was never questioned about my gap of employment. Literally two hours after my interview I was offered the job!! I DID IT!! 

I am only Human

Everyday continues to be a struggle. While I'm starting to feel like myself again, I still have good days and bad. I can remember one morning I woke up in one of the best spirits I had been in a while. Trying not to go stir crazy from sitting in the house, I decided to go to the mall and do a little window shopping. I went to Sephora and tried on some lipstick. I'm not much of a makeup person so  I easily get overwhelmed by all of the beauty  products they have to offer. Let's just say that trip was short lived. I went to different stores trying on scarves, hats, shirts and became overwhelmed. A different type of feeling I had felt while in Sephora. An overwhelming feeling of sadness came over me and I could feel a breakdown coming. I ran to the nearest dressing room, locked myself in a room and looked into the mirror. I looked at myself trying to understand where this was all coming from. I took off my wig, wanting to look at myself in my natural state. It was then that I lost it. It was like the devil was speaking to me through that mirror. "Look at how skinny you've become," "You're so pale," "You have patches of hair on your head, please put your wig back on." All of my insecurities began to surface and my sadness began to take over. As I looked at myself in the mirror I saw an insecure woman. A woman who was sick and who allowed herself to become a victim of her illness.

Never before have I had this happen to me. I have always been a very secure woman, who did not care what people thought of me. "What you think of me, is none of my business.," words that I live by. For some reason being at the mall, seeing all these people who appeared to be so happy. Beautiful, healthy people. I didn't feel like I belonged with these people. I felt like everyone knew I had cancer and looked at me with disgust in their eyes. I just had to get away from everyone and be alone. I found my solitude in that dressing room. Once I was able to pull myself together, I ran to my car and went home.

I've found at times when you feel like you're at your lowest point... pray. I knew that this insecure woman was not me and I did not want to claim any of that negativity. I asked God to take it away from me and to help me shake these negative thoughts. He came through, as He always does and this time in the form of a child. My little cousin, who is 3 years old, came to check on me. She brought me books and some of her stuffed animals to help comfort me. The innocence of a child is so sacred...in her mind we were just playing but I believe God sent her to me to bring peace. No matter how strong I "think" I am on my own, I know that I am nothing without God. I would not be able to go through this battle alone. Through my happiest days and through my dark days, He has never left my side.

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

Stage Fright

When I first started this blog, I had no idea how many people would actually read it. In my mind, I am just putting my thoughts in writing to help release whatever I'm going through on that particular day. So when I was contacted by motivational speaker, Jai Cook, to speak at her event appropriately titled, "Time to Do You," I was pleasantly surprised. Jai reached out to me via Instagram (the power of social media) and asked if I would be interested in sharing my story. Without hesitation I agreed and later thought to myself, "what did I just agree to?." It's so much easier to share things on my blog or to post videos and pictures on Facebook or Instagram...but to tell my story in person, in front of a group of people is another story.

Meeting Jai helped to ease my mind and calm my nerves, as she has such a beautiful spirit.The first time I actually met her was at the event. Like most of us she comes from a difficult past, which you would never be able to tell from just looking at her. I thought to myself, "If Jai has come from such a troubled past and she did not allow herself to become a victim of her past...then I should be able to tell my story with no problem." I spent the afternoon listening to speeches from such inspiring women, while in the back of my mind praying that I wouldn't get on stage and freeze!

My moment finally came, "...introducing Crystal Bailey." I slowly walked up to the stage, trying not to trip and fall  in front of everyone in my 6 inch heels. I get to the podium, stand tall, and look out into the audience noting everyone's blank stares..."Good evening everyone..." Ok, that wasn't so bad. After a few shaky words and nerves came out, the words just began to flow out of my mouth like I had done this a million times before. Blank stares turned into attentive listening and I knew that I was reaching people.

After my speech, the event soon ended. People began coming to me, thanking me for sharing my story. Some offering prayers and giving me hugs, others shared personal stories of how cancer touched their lives.It was then I knew then that my nerves and reservations about public speaking were irrelevant. I was able to empower and educate others just by telling my story, which was truly a blessing to me. A young woman approached me and shared with me that she was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and would soon be undergoing a double mastectomy. All I could do was hug her. I saw myself in her and I immediately felt her pain. In some strange way I felt as if my hug would take away her pain. If only hugs were that powerful, I would speak in every city around the country until I was able to hug any and everyone going through life's challenges.

 Jai and I 

Visit Jai's website for upcoming events http://www.jaispeaks2u.com/

Hurt people, hurt people.

Hurt people, hurt people and I am no exception to this statement. Throughout my journey I have had the most amazing group of supporters. Family, friends, and people I've never even met. A lot of times, I find myself taking things out on the people closest to me. Having cancer and going through treatment for cancer can hurt your spirit. I personally go through periods where "I just don't feel right.," as if my spirit is not at peace. When you are going through a difficult time in your life, all you want is for someone to empathize with you. They may not completely understand but they are there to comfort you and encourage you. No matter what they say or how helpful they are, you only see the negative. For example, I remember expressing to someone that I woke up feeling very sad and emotional. Their response was, "I understand, but don't let it keep you down. It is so early in the day. You are still able to make the rest of the day a good day." My response was so dismissive ..."You don't understand. Just let me be sad. I don't want to think about the rest of the day. Right now I'm sad and that's just it." I then ended the conversation by abruptly getting off the phone.

Now I'm not one to use excuses but to my defense I have noted that chemotherapy causes one to have a lot of mood swings. One minute I'm happy with life and all is well. The next minute I'm sad and depressed and just want my life back. Of course, most people will never completely understand this, having never experienced it. That doesn't mean they can't still give you words of encouragement and try to cheer you up.

 I appreciate everything everyone has done for me. I do not take for granted anything or anyone God has placed in my life. What makes me most happy is those people who I know I have snapped at are still around and still putting up with me. So I can't be that bad of a person lol. I recognize that we are only human and those who truly love us unconditionally will always be there. So starting now (not waiting for the New Year) I am working on being a better me. I will not allow this stupid cancer to control my life or hurt my spirit. I am healed by His stripes and I know God has so much more in store for me. Stay tuned 2014 is going to be a GREAT year :-)

Graduation Day

Friday, December 6, 2013, my last day of chemotherapy!! I woke up feeling pretty terrible, as the week had taken it's toll on me. I received plenty of encouraging words and congratulations that morning. As much as I wanted to dance and rip out the PICC line from my arm...I had to still make it thru the day. I wanted more than anything for it to be over, so I did what ever I could to distract my self from the poison taking over my body.  I missed Scandal the night before so the first thing I did was catch up on the latest episode :-)
All you could hear was gasps and "OMGs" from my mother and I watching the episode...lol Scandal tends to have that effect. My entertain was short lived and I was quickly brought back to reality as the show ended...Damn that Shonda Rimes.

Still after the excitement of Scandal my mood was still pretty solemn. I was dehydrated and hadn't been able to eat much in the last 24 hours. My nurse was patient with me and gave me more IV fluids to help with the dehydration. My mom tried to encourage me to eat and drink something but I was too stubborn and tired to be obedient...sorry mom. Later that afternoon some of my friends and boyfriend came to celebrate with me. They came bearing gifts of talking stuffed animals and Panera bread which was equivalent to a steak dinner, considering how hungry I was. We reminisced , laughed and joked and before I knew it...I was done!! "Ok, all done.," my nurse rejoiced as she disconnected my IV. The most beautiful words she could have said. I could not believe I did it. I completed chemotherapy. I was happy for it to be over but so not looking forward to recovery.

Dreading the recovery process to come, I decided to celebrate the best I could, with what energy I had left. We took lots of pictures and went eat some of my favorite food...Mexican!! Overall, it was a great day. I DID IT!! Graduating from chemotherapy was probably 100 times better than my college graduation. It brought me one step closer to fighting for my life, which is priceless.

 A gift from my chemo nurses

Speaking Annoucement

I am pleased to announce I will be speaking at my first event, Sunday December 16, 2014, in Charlotte North Carolina. I would love to see you all. There will be plenty of vendors and other actives going on as well. Go to http://www.jaispeaks2u.com/ for more information and to purchase your tickets.